Man vs. Nature

I’ve been wanting to write this for a while now. I had this analogy in my head, where yard work parallels our righteous progression. I thought I’d post it here, just for funsies.

Every year, I have the “man vs. nature” classic struggle, of trying to keep up with my yard and its many weeds. There are times that I think I should just give up, and just let the weeds take over. Especially grass-it’s great when it grows, except when it grows where I don’t want it to grow!  

But I realized, no matter how bad it gets -how riddled with sin we are, or how many sins of omission we commit (not reading scriptures, etc.), it is still worth fighting the good fight. Paul Harvey said, “Someday I hope to enjoy enough of what the world calls success so that someone will ask me, ‘What’s the secret of it?’ I shall say simply this: ‘I get up when I fall down.’”

There may be weed upon weed in my flower beds, but if I can pull just one, that’s one that I have overcome. All it takes is that first step. And usually, once I take that first step, no matter how overwhelming or daunting it may feel to get started, it leads to pulling more weeds, and more and more, until I can see the beauty lying beneath, until the bed is clean of the unwanted weeds. President Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, "Let us not give up. Let us be true to our covenants. Let us never lose sight of our Advocate and Redeemer as we walk toward Him, one imperfect step after another."

I also realized that if I get to the weeds when they are small, the easier they are to pull up. If I let them go, wishing they will just go away on their own, they get worse (like grass, or those climbing weeds). They will create a deeper, stronger root. And then the weeds choke out the good things I may have in my garden.

I also realized that there will never be the “perfect” time to start pulling weeds. The day is either too hot, or too cold, or too windy, or too busy. I can always find an excuse to NOT start. But, as they say, there is no time like the present. If I don’t get to it now, then when?

Is my yard perfect? Certainly not. It never will be. But it’s something that I can keep working on, until my weaknesses become my strengths. But that won’t happen until I put forth the effort-no matter how hard it may seem or how hard it may actually turn out to be. “I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul.”

Are You There, Eyelashes? It's Me, Nat

Well, got my laser eye surgery done.  It's absolutely amazing.  You wanna hear all the gory details?  Okay!

So, you get a Valium, so you don't care about anything.  Then you go lay on a table and hold a teddy bear.  You look at a little green light, and then it gets dark.  They move the table to another area, then back to the green light.  You stare at the green light for about 10 seconds, and then you're done.  Rinse and repeat for the other eye.

Seriously.  It didn't hurt, it wasn't weird.  I could almost instantly see better.  (Right now everything looks as if I am still wearing my contacts.  Cool, huh?)  For a couple of hours following my eyes stung, but they told me to try and sleep.  NOOOO problem there-the Valium made me really tired.  And really, as a mom, when am I not tired?  So I slept most of the rest of the day, putting eye drops in whenever I woke up.  And they felt fine after I slept a little.

The next couple of days I had a hard time with sunlight and with headlights.  But I've been totally fine ever since.  If you're thinking about getting it done, DO IT!!!!  So, so worth it.

There is one downside: I haven't been able to wear makeup from three days before the surgery to a week after surgery.  It's a small price to pay for, you know, VISION.  But.  My eyelashes are really light, and when I don't wear mascara I feel like my eyes disappear.  My brother-in-law said I look "washed out".  Which is true.  I don't think I would want to be wearing mascara right now, anyway.  There are some eye drops you have to put in 4 times a day, and if I were to have makeup on and do that I would look like, well, her:

But in a few days I'll be good to go AND I'll be seeing 20/20.  Oh, and my eyes are a lot less bloodshot without contacts.  I even bought some new mascara to go with my new eyesight.  Fancy, huh?

In other news...well, not much going on.  Just kind of the same old.  Work, work, and more work.  Work at home, work at the office, work at teaching piano, work at keeping things, you know, working.  There are days that I feel like the hamster on the wheel-you just keep running, with no end in sight, and for what?  So you can keep running, with no end in sight.

I hit kind of a lull the last few days.  I'm very project/goal oriented, so now that I got my eyes done, I'm like, what next?  There is plenty to DO, but nothing that I'm really aiming for.  Monday and Tuesday days I felt kind of "meh".  Today I feel better.  Of course, I have all the ongoing things, but they're the hamster wheel kind of things.  Which are important as well, but... I don't feel like I have to constantly have entertainment, per se, but it IS nice to look forward to things, too, right?

Of course, Thanksgiving and Christmas are coming.  I like to do my Christmas shopping in November.  I find there are just as many sales but far less crowds.

Halloween was fun. Last year we were all matchy-matchy, which I loved doing, but this year the kids were all different things.  Ivy was "Gumpunzoh" (Rapunzel), Troy was Batman, Brock was The Count/a vampire, and Jake was a ninja.

Ivy's wig itched her a ton, so she didn't wear it all that much.  Brock's makeup, though very cool, was also very time consuming.  And there were about 20 other ninjas just like Jake.  I told him it was like a Ninja club, but I don't think he really liked that.

Next year the kids will all be different things again.  Brock already told me he wants to be Spiderman.  And today I went to the store and got some costumes for 50% off.  Even though I HATE keeping stuff around (it goes against my minimalism tendencies), I'd rather spend half the money on costumes now for next year.  Cheapness 1, Minimalism 0.

Well, that's about all for now.  I'm off to work!

Unfinished Thoughts

I've been a little frustrated all week.  I think it's because I taught a lesson on self-mastery to my cute Young Women on Sunday.  And I'm probably the last person that should be teaching that.  Because I'm the ultimate non-master of myself. 

We were talking about bad habits, and I told the girls that sometimes I end up leaving my dishes unwashed, so that they're lining my counter, and have dried food on them and I hate that that's become one of my habits.  Now, it's not every day, but still, it happens way more often than I'd like.  I was explaining this, and one of the girls got this "how gross" look on her face.  And I was like, I know, right?  Totally gross. 

But really, it's not just dirty dishes.  It's laundry that piles up taller than Troy (I measured today).  It's unmopped floors and stinky bathrooms.  It's the unfinished projects sitting by my computer.  It's the oh-crap-we're-almost-out-of-milk-better-finally-make-a-list-and-run-to-the-store.

It's procrastination.

And I hate it about myself.  It's even hitting the snooze button-I'm procrastinating getting up out of bed.

I wish I could be one of those tackle everything immediately kinds of people.  And I can be like that about some things.  But I end up procrastinating a lot more often than I'd like.

Let's be honest.  Most of the things that I procrastinate are the things that I hate doing.  Chores, if you will.  And it boils down to being part of my "job" as a homemaker.  If I had a performance review right now of how I was doing, I'd probably get fired.  I'm surprised my kids haven't fired me yet.

So, what to do about it?

I only had a few minutes to prepare my lesson.  (Not because of procrastination, luckily, but just a miscommunication.)  So here are a few more thoughts that I wish I could have brought up.  I'm writing them here, just for myself.

In the lesson I brought up the ending of the poem Invictus.  The last two lines read "I am the master of my fate, I am the captain of my soul."  I wish I had had a copy of the whole poem, and had given it as a handout.  We talked about it briefly.  Basically, we are in charge of our own destiny.  If we don't like the direction we are heading in, we need to change it. 

I wish I had known beforehand that the author of that poem, William Ernest Henley,  had to have his leg amputated at 25 (which is about when he wrote the poem), and he died at 53 after leading a very active life.

We also read a scripture: Mosiah 4:27-...it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength.  And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize...  I wish I would have had a minute to think about that scripture.  Because right now, it's not realistic to expect my house to be spotless-I have four little kids running around making messes right and left!  But again, I can't blame them for it all.  I need to be diligent, that I "might win the prize". 

I was thinking about some of our girls that play sports, especially the track girls.  Every person has their different strengths; not everyone is made to sprint; not everyone is made for long distance, either.  But everyone has their own race to run, at their own pace.  What one person can accomplish in a day is not the same as another person.  And it can ebb and flow in our own lives-there are times when we can conquer a lot, get a lot done, and feel great.  There are other times when it's all we can do to get everyone fed for the day, never mind do the dishes on top of that.  But you can't win a race if you don't even get on the track to start the race to begin with.

The gist of the lesson was thoughts lead to actions, which lead to habits, which lead to your character, and finally to your destiny.  So to change a habit, we need to change our thoughts and our actions, which will lead to a different destiny.

So this is my step 1: I'm trying to change my thoughts.  I've realized that no one is going to do the laundry for me.  No one is going to push me out of bed.  Not that this is a new epiphany for me, but I'm the only one to blame for having a laundry pile the size of a small mountain.

My step 2: my actions.  Yesterday I "caught up" on dishes.  Today I "caught up" on laundry.  My goal to change my habit of procrastination is to do two loads of laundry every day, and to do my dishes every day, no matter how late. 

And, this should lead to my step 3: my habits getting changed.  There are so many other things that am tired of procrastinating on, like painting my downstairs living room, or making new bedspreads for my boys.  But if I can conquer the mundane everyday tasks, then I can move on to bigger and better, and conquer those things, too.

Out of the night that covers me,

Black as the pit from pole to pole,

I thank whatever gods may be

For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance

I have not winced nor cried aloud.

Under the bludgeonings of chance

My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears

Looms but the Horror of the shade,

And yet the menace of the years

Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,

How charged with punishments the scroll,

I am the master of my fate:

I am the captain of my soul.

I challenged my girls to pick just one bad habit, and work to change it.  And that is what I am going to do.  Because I AM the master of my fate.  I AM the captain of my soul!

Epiphany

Last night I was doing the dishes.

I realized that a lot of what a mother does is very repetitive. Sometimes it seems that, as soon as we do it, and YAY! it's done!, we have to do it all over again. Dishes. Meals. Changing diapers. Grocery shopping. Laundry. More laundry. (Did I mention laundry?)

Even what I say to my kids is the same old thing. Day in, day out. ("Time to clean up", "brush your teeth", "sit down and eat please", etc.)

A hamster wheel. Around and around.

Groundhog Day.

Have you seen that movie? Basically, the main character, Phil, is stuck in the same day, repeating the same actions. Eventually he learns that he should take advantage of the time he is given: to help others, to improve their lives, and to improve and perfect his own life.

So, back to my dishes. I realized that, I can do the same dishes the same way, over and over, and have a crappy attitude about it, or I can see it as an opportunity to perfect myself. I can do my dishes (among other duties) and become a better person, a better mom, because I get to repeat my daily actions so much.

Another movie analogy: Karate Kid.

Mr. Miyagi has Daniel do chores, over and over, that don't seem to relate to karate at all. But one night Daniel realizes that, even though it seemed pointless, he was actually learning the right moves and building his muscles the right way so that he could be great at karate.

My "pointless" tasks of keeping house? It just means I'll be fit for the kingdom. When I'm doing dishes, I'm not just doing dishes, but I'm teaching my children that cleanliness is next to godliness, that we need to take care of what has been given to us, and that we're blessed with work, not cursed with it.

And here is a scripture I memorized not too long ago, that I think are the characteristics of a great mom. I hope I can polish them up in this life: But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; against such there is no law. -Galatians 5:22-23

Lost

Wake-up call #1: Pete and I watched "The Bucket List" the other night. It was more philosophical than I would have guessed. Pretty much, though, two guys travel the world and have these experiences, things that they've always wanted to do but just have put off. In one moment of the movie, Morgan Freeman tells Jack Nicholson that the Egyptians believed that you must answer two questions correctly in order to get into heaven. Question one is "Have you found joy in your life?" And question two is "Have you brought joy to others?" I really liked that. But the whole time, I thought, what is on my bucket list?

Wake-up call #2: We have an awesome new Beehive advisor in Young Women's. And she introduced herself, and asked the girls to introduce themselves and say what they like to do, etc. When it got to me, I said, "Uh, well, I'm Natalie, and uh, I have four kids, and, um, I..." I think I mumbled out something about teaching piano, and later was all, "Oh yeah! I love chocolate! And Coke!" Seriously, I couldn't think of a single thing that I currently do in my life that is just for me, just for fun. And I felt lame that two things with which I defined myself were food items. Am I...just an absorber/calorie burner?

Wake-up call #3: Jake and I were talking one day. And he asked, "Mom, what do you like to do?" Again, I fumbled with an answer. "Well, I, um, I like to cross stitch." I thought about the last time I had cross stitched something. It was at least two years ago, a piece I had done for my mom. "I like to play piano." I play all the time, but when was the last time I just sat and played for myself, or learned a new piece just because I wanted to? "Um, I like playing racquetball." Again, the last time I played I think I was pregnant with Brock. 5+ years ago. "I like to scrapbook." Though I haven't done that in over two years, and besides, I'm moving to the digital world in that arena. I kept thinking, are my hobbies things of the past? Am I made up of things that I used to do? What are my hobbies now? Am I just so busy with the daily grind, and so mixed up in my children's lives that I don't have time to be me any more?

Wake-up call #4: A couple of Sundays ago, a cute little girl played the violin in church. She did a fabulous job. I've always loved hearing the violin, and I was totally crying. Jakob was sitting next to me, and after she was done, he said, "Mom, that was so beautiful. I sat like a statue to listen. I could be a statue all day long." I agreed with him. I could listen all day long, too. I kind of had a twinge of regret, that I haven't tried to learn something new.

...

So, let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

Basically, I'm wondering where I am. Where did I go? Did I get lost in my "job", so much so that I no longer have interests outside of my kids? Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, I love what I do. But lately, I've felt like all that I do are the things I should do (which is still fun and rewarding and fabulous), rather than something that I want to do, that is totally just for me. I almost feel like I've let time slip by.

When I was younger, my parents enrolled me in different classes-gymnastics for a year, jazz dancing for a year, singing lessons for a year...But the only thing that stuck long-term was piano. I also did other things for several years, like water skiing and snow skiing. At first I hated both, for years and years. Then I eventually liked them. Now...I'm kind of at a point where I could take them or leave them. I'm just saying that I'm not going to buy a season pass to a ski resort, or go out and buy a boat. Here and there, sure, but they aren't something that I absolutely love.

I think there were other things that I could have tried, that I should have tried. I took swim lessons, and I remember in one of my classes the teacher told my mom that I was a really good swimmer. She suggested that I join the swim team. (A city team? A school team? I really don't remember.) I was flattered. But it never came to be. I don't know if it's because I was shy and lacked confidence, and so I didn't try, or if I left it in my mom's hands to pursue the option, and she just never followed through, or what. But, thinking back, what if I had done that? Missed opportunity.

When I was a freshman in college, I decided to take a racquetball class. Just because. My roommate told me I'd hate it. But I LOVED it, from day one. And almost every semester, I signed up for a racquetball class. It was twice a week, but I'd go once or twice a week extra with friends. I'm glad I got to try it. And I would love to go again. Though right now I'd have to find a babysitter if I wanted to go. But that's kind of beside the point. The point is, I tried something, just for fun, and if I would have hated it, then oh well, at least I tried, kind of like I did when I was younger with dance class, etc.

I want to try stuff again. New stuff. I want to pick up on the old stuff that I love, too. And not put it off because I have something that I have to do. Because I always will have stuff that I have to do. That list just never ends. I always think, oh, someday I'd like to... or, maybe such-and-such would be fun... or, if I have time tonight, maybe I'll...

...

That was a lot more 'splainin', a lot less summing up. Let me try again.

I need to stop "some day"-ing my life.

So, what's on my Bucket List? What do I want to do/learn/try/pick up again?

-I want to learn a new instrument. I love the harp, the cello, the violin, the guitar. Apparently, I'm drawn to string instruments. My mom said there are community classes offered where I could learn guitar or something. I really want to check into that, hopefully this summer.

-There's a piano piece that I've always wanted to learn. I even have the music. "Rhapsody in Blue", by Gershwin.

-I have a beautiful cross stitch, just sitting in my closet, ready to pull out.

-I want to go to Austria again.

-I want to go to Grand Cayman again. (Pete and I are planning to do this for our 10-year anniversary.)

-I would love to take a photography class.

-I wish I was artistic. Some kind of pottery class or something would be fun.

-Gotta do the digital scrapbooking. I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

-I've always wanted to be able to do back handsprings. But I think the window has closed on that one for me. (And I get all twisted around when I go upside down-I can't tell up from down. I know I'd fall flat on my face.)

-I love dancing. I took a ballroom class in college, and loved every minute of it. Dancing like that again would be so fun.

-I love to read. I feel the need...for read(ing). (You can tell I watch a lot of movies, though. Sheesh.)

-A cake decorating class would be awesome. I tried doing fondant, and it was fun, and it was terrible-looking because it was the first time I had done it. But making cool cakes would be so fun.

-I graduated in finance. I want to actually do something with my degree.

So, that's the tip of the iceberg, bucket list-wise. There are so many things I want to do and try and be. And not that I want to push aside my responsibilities and be completely selfish, but I want to experience. And I don't want to wait to experience until my kids are out of the house. So, maybe a little here, a little there. So that, when someone asks me about me, I can say what my current hobbies are, and what I'm actually doing, instead of what I used to do, or what I'd like to do someday.

I saw this quote on Mormon Mommy Blogs the other day. So, for a sum up (for real this time):

"If we as mothers do something we absolutely love alongside raising children we absolutely love, we will almost guarantee that our children will be raised in an atmosphere steeped in joy." -Debra Sansing Woods, It's Okay To Take A Nap

Thoughts

Jakob's jaw is getting bigger, I think, because he's starting to get a gap on the side between his teeth. It probably doesn't help that his front tooth is loose, either. It's kind of Hillbilly-ish.

I took the last of the medicine for my rash on Saturday. This medicine has steroids in it. And seriously? How can anyone in their right mind want to do to their body voluntarily what has just happened to mine? I have the fishbowl head feeling, where I'm just standing there and then all of a sudden I feel like I'm tipping over backwards, yet I know that my body isn't actually moving. I absolutely crash during the day because I'm so tired, but at night when it's time for bed I lie there awake. And then when I do sleep, it's crazy dreams and tossing and turning. And then I'm all shaky, like too much caffeine or something. I don't get why any of that would be ideal, just to get bigger muscles or whatever. Yeah, I'm really hoping all of the side effects go away in the next little bit.

We took the training wheel off Jake's bike. I say wheel, singular, because the other had fallen off before. And I say Jake's bike, even though it was Brock's bike for his birthday. My kids are kind of...transient when it comes to what belongs to whom. After we took the other wheel off, Jakob started yelling and pedalling as fast as he could up and down the street. "Yeah! This is awesome! Woo-hoo!" a la Leonardo DiCaprio on Titanic ("I'm king of the world!")

I'm trying a new motto: cease to be idle. It's kind of working.

I can't decide which animal Brock is most like. He's like a squirrel, where he hoards away toys in his bed. He's a night owl, for sure.

I've also come to face the reality of laundry every day. Back in the good ol' days of two kids, I could put it off and just do once a week. Now if I wait just once a week, my kids run out of clothes and the pile is almost as tall as I am. This week I realized that I have to do at least a load a day. *sigh* I wonder when a good age is to have your kids start the machines etc. by themselves...

I can't find Ivy's toothbrush. It's probably in our massive mess of toys. Not that I can really perform the actual act of brushing with her. Eating toothpaste is kind of like brushing with toothpaste, right?

We buzzed the boys' hair the other night. Troy looks bald because his hair is getting lighter and his skin is getting darker.

Memo, our killer cat, has brought us many treats in the last couple of days, including two birds. I'm very impressed with her hunting skills. My gag reflex while scooping up said dead birds is very impressed as well.

I love to eat out. If I could, I would eat out once a day. But I would make sure it could get delivered to me. More restaurants should have delivery.

I hope that cat food is an appropriate snack food for little mischievous girls.

I wish that brownies would magically make themselves, like a neverending supply. But they would also change themselves to be different kinds of brownies. Maybe I've been reading too much Harry Potter...nah.