Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Weight Loss Guarantee
I've found the ultimate secret to instant weight loss! I'll only (maybe, okay not really) charge you $30 to read this post! You'll be amazed, and I'm sure you'll want to pay me more than that, but you, my lucky friends, get this knowledge for free today! Just follow these easy steps:
1. Make sure your body expels all fluids in a matter of 10 hours. The flu does this wonderfully.
2. Have a sore throat for the few days before and few days after the flu. That way it burns when you swallow things like candy and chocolate, so then you won't want to eat those.
3. Zero appetite also helps in this magical weight loss program. So on the day of the flu, eat one piece of bread. You'll find you'll keep up this low-calorie regimen not out of choice, but out of obligation to your sensitive stomach for the next 2 days.
4. Stressing out about things also adds to the rapid weight loss. Things like your new calling. Or a maybe-leaky fridge. You hope and pray that your calling and your fridge will be okay, because you a) don't want to get released already, and b) you absolutely don't have any money to repair a possible fridge leak. But stress about things like that anyway, and the pounds will keep melting away.
5. Exercise by cleaning up 2 kids' throw up and 3 kids' diarrhea nonstop during this same time period.
6. Being out of things like milk, hot dogs, cheese, fruit snacks, etc. also helps. An empty fridge means an empty stomach! And, an empty fridge means being able to see the back of the fridge, thereby discovering said leak.
I've followed my new weight loss "plan". I've dropped 7 pounds since Friday. So sign up now! Hey, you may not feel good losing weight this way, but you'll look good! (Actually, you'll probably look like death warmed over like I have, but if I said that you wouldn't want to try my plan, now, would you?)