I've found the ultimate secret to instant weight loss! I'll only (maybe, okay not really) charge you $30 to read this post! You'll be amazed, and I'm sure you'll want to pay me more than that, but you, my lucky friends, get this knowledge for free today! Just follow these easy steps:
1. Make sure your body expels all fluids in a matter of 10 hours. The flu does this wonderfully.
2. Have a sore throat for the few days before and few days after the flu. That way it burns when you swallow things like candy and chocolate, so then you won't want to eat those.
3. Zero appetite also helps in this magical weight loss program. So on the day of the flu, eat one piece of bread. You'll find you'll keep up this low-calorie regimen not out of choice, but out of obligation to your sensitive stomach for the next 2 days.
4. Stressing out about things also adds to the rapid weight loss. Things like your new calling. Or a maybe-leaky fridge. You hope and pray that your calling and your fridge will be okay, because you a) don't want to get released already, and b) you absolutely don't have any money to repair a possible fridge leak. But stress about things like that anyway, and the pounds will keep melting away.
5. Exercise by cleaning up 2 kids' throw up and 3 kids' diarrhea nonstop during this same time period.
6. Being out of things like milk, hot dogs, cheese, fruit snacks, etc. also helps. An empty fridge means an empty stomach! And, an empty fridge means being able to see the back of the fridge, thereby discovering said leak.
I've followed my new weight loss "plan". I've dropped 7 pounds since Friday. So sign up now! Hey, you may not feel good losing weight this way, but you'll look good! (Actually, you'll probably look like death warmed over like I have, but if I said that you wouldn't want to try my plan, now, would you?)
11 comments:
Oh man, that's horrible. I want to lose the 7 lbs, but not that way!! I hope you are feeling better. I probably will ask you to help with the Christmas program, my goal is to have everything figured out before Thanksgiving! Thanks for offering!
AAAAAH!!! Nat-things are really not good over there. You hang in there. Help is on the way! I don't think you should go to YW tonight. You can't!!! Stop worrying. Everything is going to be alright. I promise.
Thats so crazy, you don't have anything extra to loose! Hope you are feeling better.
I'm so sorry about the sickness, the leaks and the calling stress! No wonder everone is on death beds! I would be too! Feel better soon and sleep when you are not cleaning up ickies... :S
{{hugs}}
I think that I'd rather keep the extra weight- thanks for the tips though. We have been able to avoid most sickies so far- Ethan has had a hacking cough for two weeks, but he is the only one. It's always hard to have sick kids when you feel crappy too. Hang in there!!
7 lbs... wow... ugh.. do you feel better today.. ???
Wow. I think I'll stick with my 5 a.m. power walks. Suddenly they don't sound so painful.
I hope you are all feeling better. It is hard enough to have the flu without having to take care of a bunch of other flu patients.
Good Luck!
The flu!? Yuck! But I agree, I have lost weight on that diet too! Yes, we will be home for Christmas. We will have to hook up!
I cannot believe you lost 7 pounds. Dang. That is a ton of weight to lose, in such a short time, for such a small person!! And what is all this 8-comments, 15-comments stuff? You are so poopular! You pop out at parties!! I wish more people would comment on mine. :(
I'm so sorry! I hate cleaning up my kids throw-up and everything else that comes with the flu. I do have to say, I really enjoy reading your blog b/c you are so funny. You have a great sense of humor! I hope things get better.
Oh no :( Feel better soon! All of you! That's miserable :(
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